House Prices to hit Millenial HIGH!

From Our correspondent at The Priory.

Analysts predict that house prices will hit the highest price this millenia, about 8am on Tuesday next week. They refute that the unregulated industry, which sees them pocket millions as people weep, has anything to do with it.

Mr Ian Cottager, of Dunu Estate Agents said,

The average price of a house is about to jump from 100K to 1Mil, a terraced house will cost more because more people want them. It's market economics. More people want to buy cheaper smaller houses and therefore these houses become the most expensive because there are simply not enough to go around. By May you'll be able to get a mansion for next to nothing but that's not what the buying public want. They don't want a castle, but a similarly priced 2 bedroom terraced in need of repair. It must have potential, otherwise how can people make their mark on the property. A castle has no potential, how can you make that into a suitable modern suburban living environment?

Your's for only £1M...

why would you even want this, buy a car instead!

You know, readers, I'm convinced. If you got any sense, get on the band wagon now. You may have set your sights on a 40 bedroomed Scottish fort but, trust me, you'll never get your money back.

University Professor, Edvard Slackhousen from Ewesless College, Oxford, commented

The recent trends have been much more towards the smaller house and flats. This is why prices are inflated; it is a distortion but a fair one for all of us who bought our houses many years ago at next to nothing. I wouldn't put people off buying a Fort but make sure you get value for money. Make sure that knight armour adornments are included and the moat is well drained. I'm, sure this time next year, you'll be able to pick one up the price of family car, careful about the trees though. They are dangerous this time of year.

So there you have it. Straight from the horses mouth. I think I'll go down to my local agents and get myself on the flat pack bungalow ladder as soon as possible!

Good luck,

Monty Nodope

Berlusconi: I'm Not Finished Yet!!!

by Our correspondent at the EU champagne bar.

The well-known non-British Italian, from a foreign country south of Britain, has decided to continue his threat to continue doing his best for his country, his
people and himself.

After having narrowly lost an election for something, which he claims he narrowly won, he watched as none of his power drained away. In the background, during his election night grandstand bravura performance as a poor loser, the active British watcher could clearly see Mrs Mills on the piano with her husband, Mr Mills, beside her, and himself, busily dividing stacks of paper money into envelope sized piles.


In the gathering gloom, Berlusconi grabbed a microphone and made the best
speech of his political career.

"I have nothing to say!!", he said.

Nothing Wrong With Kit!!

by Our correspondent at the EU champagne bar.

A Senior British Army Officer last night totally rejected any claims that our soldiers, the cream of this dear island, had been sent off to fight Johnny Foreigner with limited or useless equipment.

An official secret photograph of one of our men, good men, on duty has been officially de-classified, by an official, which shows one of our boys, our healthy lads, on Guard duty outside the official residence of the official who de-classified the official photograph that had been an official secret before being officially de-classified.



It is obvious that his equipment, splendidly shiny British equipment, is up to any job that we might expect our youth, fine upstanding young men, to undertake. Never let it be said that the stout of heart, well proportioned fruit of British loins could be let down by the British Army in its finest hour this year.

By
Alice Dare

Obesity CURE!

From our correspondent at The Priory.

NOW, if like me you have recognised the obesity epidemic larding its way across the nation, you too can't cease to imagine how bad things will get without a cure. Well the cure is here. As if the desiese had come and gone... piff paff puff, well less puff.

Dr Arga Fercukinon, of the Schnallergnob Instute, Dertygerty, says

It is quite simple. We put the patients on a strict diet of nothing and made them run on a treadmill for hours on end. Only 5% of them crached into trees, which is amazing given that they were all showing definate side effects of the treatment. Some claimed to be hungry and others said they felt exhusted. Sometimes we have to live with the shorterm affects. That figure might rise to 10% in the longterm but it is hard to say.

When asked about something not so strict, such as a vegitarian diet, Dr Fercukinon was pessimistic.

Hitler was a vegitarian. This has certian side affects.

This certainly agrees with many theories that say vegatables cause cancer. But can this procedure cause cancer?

I seriously doubt it, wind can cause cancer but we run indoors.

Well that's my mind put at rest. So there you have it you lardy set of fat bastards...

By
Monty Nowort

Why all children should be shot

Commentary by Peter Crotchins.

I don't care what anyone says, children should be shot. Except for children of rich people who can expect to see them go to Cambridge.

This would be a clensing for our society. The pensions crisis would slowly evaporate; there would be less litter; and people could walk the streets in safety, knowing that the ten year old muggers who set fire to old ladies and eat kittens are well and truly 10 feet under. And let's face it, this type of child is everywhere, sprouting up like wildfire.

EVIL SPAWN!

The school run - that unecssary of all wasted journies would be nulified. Just think of the money we could save on education and family tax credit! By shooting these awful chavvy lowlife scum we could also save on our taxes and make poor old people work longer - thus not starving the economy of cheap labour whilst keeping experienced workers throughout.

Yes some say this is harsh... but a cabbage wouldn't be a cabbage if it wasn't green or enjoyed by rabbits and the Chinese, now, would it? I think we understand each other.

In the same way, a bird sitting on a thatched cottage is far from a country gent, even if it is wearing a Gamekeepers hat!

Indeed. We've been getting it wrong for so long. Think of the money. The liberal left will say we're all barking mad but does a dog that barks not also fetch sticks? So we can't be all bad.

The liberal left are the problem. Not smacking their children when younger puts us in this rather odd position of mass genocide. They only have themselves to blame. If they behaved like the bear instead of the mouse, they'd know what happens to elephants in mid-day Saharan sun! Rhinos, now there's an animal, not unlike me.

By
Peter Crotchins (BSc, MSc, MDMA, CjD and MRSA).

**Advertisement**

Cancer causes cancer!

From our Scientific correspondent.

Today the government chief scientist announced that cancer causes cancer. Such shock revelations come on the back of how sweetcorn causes gangrene and kebabs cause leprosy.

At the Institute of Givemdosh, Sweden, Prof. Hange Upper released the startling news to the awaiting media

"Yes, it's true. Cancer is the main cause of cancer in most subjects. Laboratory tests on rats showed that those with cancer were much more likely to die of cancer than those without cancer. Cancer causes many problems from loss of hair, death and causes people to drive into trees."

The governments chief science advisor Lord Permacok said

"The country should not be alarmed."

However, a spokesman from the home office, Mr Terry Updik said

"This is a major concern to us. We fear naughty people could use cancer to undermine democracy and the public should be afraid enough so that we can introduce ID cards and they wont notice."

Mr Updik would not be drawn on what he meant by "naughty people" but is clear these recent findings have caught the government by surprise.

To avoid catching cancer, the public should

• avoid contact with poor people;
• only eat when you are hungry;
• don't go to France on holiday;
• smoke more; and
• don't sit under trees when it's lightening.

I for one, readers, have started building my underground bunker.

by
Edith Piaf (PhD.)

Beans that don't go trump in the night.

From our Foreign correspondent.

Here in Caracas, people are on the streets. They're protesting about Hugo Chavez because he has now taken the wind out of their sails - literally. Lest we forget the way Chavez was imprisoned by a middle class coup but he's getting his own back.

Prof. Antonio Petomane said

This is a breakthrough. It is good news for everyone. While methane is a natural bi-product, it can be disasterous for married couples. Men like to make their wives smell their farts; it's scientific fact. So, they go about eating beans literally by the ton. Their houses smell like an empty packet of smokey bacon crisps and they end up crashing into a tree."

How true. Consider how many marriages could be saved by flatulence free beans? I'd say at least a billion would be saved over night, with a trillion to follow.

However, many rumblings are a foot and the EU are considering making flatulence free beans mandatory for all farters. My farts are good and British, the stand out and strike fear in the nostrils of any passer by, not like French farts which are cowerdly and rank.

How dare the EU take our farts! They may take our taxes but they'll never take our farts! Remember all those who died for free British farts! It's a disgrace.

(You can read the full story at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4943486.stm)

I say KEEP BRITAIN FARTING! We must beat this homogenised opression. Keep our beans British!

by
Silus Morganhauer III

The day we nearly died

From our correspondent at The Priory.

Well today marks the anniversary of what can only be described as "Our Hiroshima".
The explosion at Chernobyl nuclear power plant clearly showed why those pesky communists simply can't be trusted.

This would not have happened had people been getting rich off of the power plant or it was a PFI contract... no no no.

In fact it was a KGB conspiracy and the nuclear fallout mainly landed on Britain, that is a scientific fact. Luckily, most of it fell on sheep in the North but more than you can see, or imagine, fell on the wonders that are the home counties; the landscape of England was changed forever.

Just look at Jeffrey, a well to do person, did no harm to no one...



After 20 years dealing with the wounds of toxic fall out, Jeffrey pictured here with his wife Elspeth, is still coming to terms with his mutation.



Jeffrey says "gru grh gee gurm", which means "blummin eck, me balls are massive", which is only a sign of his mental anguish.

When, when I say, will the poor mutated public school folk be compensated? Scientists argue that it is the first thing to shake up the gene pool in the upper classes in over 500 years but is that really the answer?

by
Monty Norbot

Can drink really affect your ability to draw cats?

From our correspondent at the Priory.

The governments chief scientist today issued a stern warning to anyone who thinks having a tipple does not affect their ability to draw cats. Dr Miks Danglefenk, for Rottenghiem Slaggen University, in Denmark says that

In a recent study performed on a number of artists, we have found that drink seriously imparis the abilty to draw cats and other feline mammals.

After the recent uproar across the middle east after a drunk Danish cartoonist tried to draw a tiger and instead drew George Bush shocing a cocunut up the Prophet's backside, Danish scientists decided to try and understand the problem.

"It is a complex psychological issue," says Alice Von Kartwheeler of the Kunting Institute. "Some artists simply can't see what's infornt of them and they end up crashing into a tree."

Some of the clear cases of what has been dubbed the Catatonic State, are shown here. In each case the artist was attempting to draw a cat.



Trudel Halfalager says that this seems to relate words that rhyme with cat; such as hat, bat and...

Needless to say this is a clear sign that the UK should pull out of the EU.

by
Monty Normal

Charles Clarke: what big ears you've got.

From our correspondent at The Priory.

Charles Clarke is in trouble today because he let a bunch of failed asylum seekers into the House of Lords. Well, we at the Whale think this is a disgrace.

Police are hunting a number of the released scumbags and have released two pictures as seen below.


If the general public are confronted by these individuals, please take extreme caution as they may very quickly buy you for their own rotten doings.

I for one say boo. Boo I say... (time for the pills, Ed.)

by
Monty Normon.

Welcome

Welcome to another edition of The Daily Whale; the newspaper for winners. Just like Dave Cameron. We love Daveand Maam. Oh yes.

(c) The Daily Whale, 2006