Cancer causes cancer!

From our Scientific correspondent.

Today the government chief scientist announced that cancer causes cancer. Such shock revelations come on the back of how sweetcorn causes gangrene and kebabs cause leprosy.

At the Institute of Givemdosh, Sweden, Prof. Hange Upper released the startling news to the awaiting media

"Yes, it's true. Cancer is the main cause of cancer in most subjects. Laboratory tests on rats showed that those with cancer were much more likely to die of cancer than those without cancer. Cancer causes many problems from loss of hair, death and causes people to drive into trees."

The governments chief science advisor Lord Permacok said

"The country should not be alarmed."

However, a spokesman from the home office, Mr Terry Updik said

"This is a major concern to us. We fear naughty people could use cancer to undermine democracy and the public should be afraid enough so that we can introduce ID cards and they wont notice."

Mr Updik would not be drawn on what he meant by "naughty people" but is clear these recent findings have caught the government by surprise.

To avoid catching cancer, the public should

• avoid contact with poor people;
• only eat when you are hungry;
• don't go to France on holiday;
• smoke more; and
• don't sit under trees when it's lightening.

I for one, readers, have started building my underground bunker.

by
Edith Piaf (PhD.)